Asked by Anonymous
My mom threw up the first time I drove her.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”. The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guys says “OK, now what?”
”I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, ”How flexible are you?” I said, ”I can’t make Tuesdays”
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan’. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ”But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
Two whales are sitting at a bar. One of them suddenly says: “Mmmwaamm!”
The second whale looks over and and says: “Holy shit, you’re fucking drunk.”
A Bosnian catches a goldfish. The goldfish says: “Let me go and I will grant you one wish.”
The Bosnian says: “No way, I’ll take you to the pawn shop – gold is gold.”
Two bandits decide to rob a bank at night. They have planned it carefully so that they will have no trouble entering. On the night of the robbery, not a single alarm goes off. When they enter the bank they come across a room filled with vaults. One of the bandits manages to open one of the vaults, only to discover there is nothing inside except a small bowl of yoghurt. The two bandits open up all the vaults, one by one, and each vault only contains a small bowl of yoghurt. “We have been cheated! Let’s eat all the yoghurt to get back at them!” The two bandits eat all the yoghurt and leave with their bellies full. The next day all the papers have the same headline: “Unexplained robbery at spermbank.”
I hope one day you’ll be so happy that flowers will grow in the saddest parts of you.